I’m not going to talk about how to discuss or argue here, but to tell you that there is a subtle difference between discussing and arguing, and it is important to know which one you are actually doing.
I’m choosing my words carefully. In a discussion we go in with an open mind. We may or may not have strong opinions, and we genuinely welcome the other person’s thoughts. In an argument we already believe we know, and we are trying to prove it to the other side.
It matters because the moment you know which one you are in, the whole equation of how you communicate changes. In a discussion you ask questions, you listen for the thing you might have missed, and you are happy to walk out having changed your mind. In an argument you marshal evidence, you defend, and “winning” quietly becomes the goal instead of “learning.”
The trap is that most heated conversations start as one and slide into the other without anyone noticing. You sit down to discuss and, a few sentences in, you catch yourself defending a position rather than exploring it. That switch is worth noticing in real time, because everything downstream of it, your tone, your patience, whether you actually hear the reply, follows from it.
So the useful question is not “how do I win this?” It is “am I here to find out, or here to prove?” If it’s the former, stay curious and let the other person move you. If it’s the latter, at least be honest with yourself that you have stopped listening.
Most of the conversations I regret were arguments I thought were discussions. The ones I remember fondly were discussions I was willing to lose.